Relationships
between Parents and Adult Children
Labels: Family, Happy Retirement, planning for retirement, preparing for retirement, Relationships, retire, Retirement, retirement advice, Retirement blog, retirement information, retirement lifestyle, Satisfying Retirement
Not surprisingly, parents and
their adult children often experience some problems in their relationships. For
the parents, the change from being the primary influence to something less
in the child's life isn't easy. For the adult child, the roles become blurred.
Are my parents still authority figures? Friends? Something in
between? What about how they interact with my children? My
in-laws?Various studies have highlighted
several areas in a parent-adult child relationship that could cause
problems:
Differences in
communication styles
Lifestyle choices of the
adult child
The way grandkids are
being raised
Political and religious
differences
The employment status of
the adult child
How the household is run
and maintained Parents wouldn't be parents if they
didn't compare what they see happening in these areas with how the child was
raised. The child wouldn't be considered a mature adult if he or she hadn't
developed some differences from the parents. There may be a shared DNA, but each
of us is unique and each responds differently to situations and what life throws
at us.It is a given that there will be some
rough spots between parents and their adult child. But, a blog reader asked that
I look at some ways that may help parents improve this important relationship.
My research to prepare for this post lead me to several sources that were
remarkably consistent in their advice. Not all of these suggestions will
apply in your situation or even be workable. But, it would be wise to think
about each point listed below and determine if a particular answer fits your
situation.Accept differences.
This is probably the most important suggestion and the toughest. Your
adult child is not you. As he or she grows life experiences will result in
changes that you may not fully approve of. At this stage of the game it isn't
your job to approve. It's your responsibility to accept
them.Don't judge. At
least not out loud. Obviously, this closely follows the first suggestion.
You are no longer judge and jury.
The child is looking for
approval, acceptance, or at least tolerance for what they have done. They are
not looking for you to tell them what they are doing
wrong.Timing is not under your
control. While the child may still need and solicit your input and
guidance, it will be less frequently than you may want or think necessary.
Interactions of this sort should not be initiated by you. You may not
see your grown child as often as you'd like. Remember, he has his own schedule
and life.Respect new traditions and ways
of doing things. The way your adult child and his significant other or
family celebrate a holiday, decorate the house, plan their vacations, even
dress themselves may not be your way. Remember, it is their way and deserving of
your acceptance.Blending two families can be
tricky. If married your child is now part of two
families. He or she must attempt to keep two sets of parents happy. That can be
quite difficult. Take the high road and don't insist on a perfect balance of
time and attention. That will only make things tougher on your
child. Respond to questions or pleas
for help like you would any other adult, not your child. When I read
this in more than one study it struck me as a crucial part of having a
healthy relationship. Do you talk with your adult child like you would a
co-worker, or a friend? Or, do you talk at him? Unsolicited
advice-giving or lecturing won't work on another adult. Why would you
think it would work on your grown-up child?Learn good listening
skills. This is something that can improve all our relationships, not
just with an adult child. Most of us, myself included, are thinking
about our answer while the other person is talking. We aren't truly listening to
what they have to say. I made reference to a particular skill called reflective
listening in an earlier post. It is a way of listening that will instantly
improve any relationship in which you apply it. Click here if you'd like
to know more. Decide that a healthy
relationship is more important than the disagreements. Do you want to
score points and win the argument while losing the war? Accept that your
adult child is not under your control anymore. Accept that he or she is an adult
with opinions, ideas, and beliefs that may differ from yours....like most of the
rest of the adult world. That acceptance will gain you a much better shot at
having the healthy, nurturing, and loving relationship you
desire.If your
adult child hasn't really grown up yet, the challenges you face are very
different. This isn't the post to tackle that issue. But, I can refer you to
this link which may help you with the
concept of boundary setting when your generosity is being taken advantage
of.Personally, I can report that these
suggestions work. In the case of our grown daughters my wife and I have
been extremely fortunate. Areas of conflict and differences have been
very minor. Nothing has taken place to harm a tremendously close bond between
parents and kids. In fact, both girls moved back to Phoenix to be close to us
(and other friends & extended family).I can't tell you exactly why we have
escaped any problems so far or claim we never will. We have tried to keep most
of our opinions to ourselves. We have respected their choices and allowed them
to build their own lives. While we may question some things that occur, we only
do that in the privacy of our home, not in front of them. One thing we do is actively look for things we can
do together. Picnics, watching football or sporting events together, movies
at a theater or at a home or apartment, seeing plays and musicals together,
meals out...any excuse to spend quality time together in a relaxed and enjoyable
setting goes a long way to smoothing over the bumps that are going to
occur.Thanks to Don, the
reader who asked that I explore this topic. It is important and worthy
of our thoughtful consideration. It has been helpful to me to look at all
the pitfalls and problem areas that can arise. I sincerely hope that something
in this post helps you make your relationship with your adult child
all it can be. If you an are adult child attempting to improve the relationship
with your parents, much of this can be helpful to you, too.Comment time. Did I gloss over or
miss any important areas in this type of relationship? Have you struggled to
build a meaningful bond with an adult child? What if the parents and adult child
live in separate parts of the country...does that create special
challenges? I encourage
your sharing thoughts and ideas.
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